The Generic Military Nicknaming Procedure
Notes:
- All rules may be applied to each other.
- Name refers to either surname or forenames.
- If anyone shows displeasure in their nickname then use it at all times.
Rule 1
Delete some letters from name
Eg: Titchmarsh > Titch
Rule 2
To name add 'y', 'o', 'a', 's', 'ers', 'ster', 'sy', 'er'
Eg: Hoon > Hoony, Hooners, Hoons, Hoono; Jon > Jonny, Jona, Jono, Jonners
Rule1 + Rule2
Delete some letters from the end of the name and add 'y', 'o', 'a', 's', 'ers' , 'ster', 'sy', 'er'
Eg: Hitler > Hitster, Hitters, Hits
Rule 3 - The z rule
Remove all the letters from the forename except the 1st two, then add z.
Eg: Gareth > Gaz
Rule 4 - Initials
Take the first letter of the forename(s) and the first letter of the surname and place together.
Eg: Margaret Thatcher > MT
Rule 5 - Nationality
a. Scottish = Mac or Jock.
OR
b. Welsh = Taff.
OR
c. If they are not from the UK, pronounce their name in a poor accent of their native country.
Rule 6 - Traditional 1
- Smith = Smudge or Smudger,
- White = Chalky,
- Holland = Dutch,
- Bell = Dinger,
- Bird = Dickie
Rule 7 - Traditional 2
If their forename is any of column 1 then substitute those in column 2:
- Andrew Andy
- Anthony Tony
- Charles Charlie/Chuck
- Daniel Dan
- Edward Ed/Eddie
- James Jim
- Michelle Mitch
- Nicholas Nick
- Patrick Paddy
- Richard Dick/Rick
- Robert Bob/Bobby
- Russell Russ
- Samuel Sam
- William Billy
- Wilson Tug
Then apply the other rules
Rule 8 - Sex
If they are female call them: Doris, Bird, Bint...
Rule 9 - Offensive Hatred Acronyms
If it is someone you particularly dislike make up an offensive acronym for them:
Eg: T C 1st letter of surname - Where T C stands for That C**t.
Rule 10 - Rude/Famous Surnames
If the surname can be prefixed by a different forename to make the full name sound rude,offensive or famous then the person shall by known by the alternate forename.
Eg: Simon Tickle > Tess; David Head > Dick; James Thatcher > Maggie
Rule 11 - Names to the power of 2
If the person has names that begin with the same letter, (particularly if they have a double barrelled surname beginning with the same letter.) then that person shall be known as that letter "squared".
Eg: John Findringham-Forsyth - F2 (Pronounced "F-Squared")
Rule 12 - Contraction and combination
If either of a person's forename or surname can be contracted and combined with each other to make an amusing word then they shall be known by that amusing word.
Eg: Steve Huffer - Stuffer;
Rule 13 - A Non-exhaustive Selection of Specific Nicknames
- Thrush - Irritating c**t.
- Milkshake - nice, but thick.
- Seagull - throw stones at them to make them fly.
- Zulu is an hour behind everyone else.
- Hymen - A complete c**nt.
- Diesel - No spark.
- Sledge - always got pulled by Dogs
- Leatherman - A useless tool that everyone carried.
- Oggle - Our Glorious Leader
- Peter - PITA - Pain in the arse
