The Generic Military Nicknaming Procedure

Notes:

All rules may be applied to each other.
Name refers to either surname or forenames.
If anyone shows displeasure in their nickname then use it at all times.

Rule 1

Delete some letters from name

Eg: Titchmarsh > Titch

Rule 2

To name add ‘y’, ‘o’, ‘a’, ‘s’, ‘ers’, ‘ster’, ‘sy’, ‘er’

Eg: Hoon > Hoony, Hooners, Hoons, Hoono; Jon > Jonny, Jona, Jono, Jonners

Rule1 + Rule2

Delete some letters from the end of the name and add ‘y’, ‘o’, ‘a’, ‘s’, ‘ers’ , ‘ster’, ‘sy’, ‘er’

Eg: Hitler > Hitster, Hitters, Hits

Rule 3 – The z rule

Remove all the letters from the forename except the 1st two, then add z.

Eg: Gareth > Gaz

Rule 4 – Initials

Take the first letter of the forename(s) and the first letter of the surname and place together.

Eg: Margaret Thatcher > MT

Rule 5 – Nationality

a. Scottish = Mac or Jock.

b. Welsh = Taff.

c. If they are not from the UK, pronounce their name in a poor accent of their native country.

Rule 6 – Traditional 1

Smith = Smudge or Smudger,
White = Chalky,
Holland = Dutch,
Bell = Dinger,
Bird = Dickie

Rule 7 – Traditional 2

If their forename is any of column 1 then substitute those in column 2:

Andrew Andy
Anthony Tony
Charles Charlie/Chuck
Daniel Dan
Edward Ed/Eddie
James Jim
Michelle Mitch
Nicholas Nick
Patrick Paddy
Richard Dick/Rick
Robert Bob/Bobby
Russell Russ
Samuel Sam
William Billy
Wilson Tug

Then apply the other rules

Rule 8 – Sex

If they are female call them: Doris, Bird, Bint…

Rule 9 – Offensive Hatred Acronyms

If it is someone you particularly dislike make up an offensive acronym for them:

Eg: T C 1st letter of surname – Where T C stands for That C**t.

Rule 10 – Rude/Famous Surnames

If the surname can be prefixed by a different forename to make the full name sound rude,offensive or famous then the person shall by known by the alternate forename.

Eg: Simon Tickle > Tess; David Head > Dick; James Thatcher > Maggie

Rule 11 – Names to the power of 2

If the person has names that begin with the same letter, (particularly if they have a double barrelled surname beginning with the same letter.) then that person shall be known as that letter “squared”.

Eg: John Findringham-Forsyth – F2 (Pronounced “F-Squared”)

Rule 12 – Contraction and combination

If either of a person’s forename or surname can be contracted and combined with each other to make an amusing word then they shall be known by that amusing word.

Eg: Steve Huffer – Stuffer;

Rule 13 – A Non-exhaustive Selection of Specific Nicknames

Thrush – Irritating c**t.
Milkshake – nice, but thick.
Seagull – throw stones at them to make them fly.
Zulu is an hour behind everyone else.
Hymen – A complete c**nt.
Diesel – No spark.
Sledge – always got pulled by Dogs
Leatherman – A useless tool that everyone carried.
Oggle – Our Glorious Leader
Peter – PITA – Pain in the arse
Sooty – Shit of the Year