The Generic Military Nicknaming Procedure

Notes:

  • All rules may be applied to each other.
  • Name refers to either surname or forenames.
  • If anyone shows displeasure in their nickname then use it at all times.

Rule 1

Delete some letters from name

Eg: Titchmarsh > Titch

Rule 2

To name add ‘y’, ‘o’, ‘a’, ‘s’, ‘ers’, ‘ster’, ‘sy’, ‘er’

Eg: Hoon > Hoony, Hooners, Hoons, Hoono; Jon > Jonny, Jona, Jono, Jonners

Rule1 + Rule2

Delete some letters from the end of the name and add ‘y’, ‘o’, ‘a’, ‘s’, ‘ers’ , ‘ster’, ‘sy’, ‘er’

Eg: Hitler > Hitster, Hitters, Hits

Rule 3 – The z rule

Remove all the letters from the forename except the 1st two, then add z.

Eg: Gareth > Gaz

Rule 4 – Initials

Take the first letter of the forename(s) and the first letter of the surname and place together.

Eg: Margaret Thatcher > MT

Rule 5 – Nationality

a. Scottish = Mac or Jock.

OR

b. Welsh = Taff.

OR

c. If they are not from the UK, pronounce their name in a poor accent of their native country.

Rule 6 – Traditional 1

  • Smith = Smudge or Smudger,
  • White = Chalky,
  • Holland = Dutch,
  • Bell = Dinger,
  • Bird = Dickie

Rule 7 – Traditional 2

If their forename is any of column 1 then substitute those in column 2:

  • Andrew Andy
  • Anthony Tony
  • Charles Charlie/Chuck
  • Daniel Dan
  • Edward Ed/Eddie
  • James Jim
  • Michelle Mitch
  • Nicholas Nick
  • Patrick Paddy
  • Richard Dick/Rick
  • Robert Bob/Bobby
  • Russell Russ
  • Samuel Sam
  • William Billy
  • Wilson Tug

Then apply the other rules

Rule 8 – Sex

If they are female call them: Doris, Bird, Bint…

Rule 9 – Offensive Hatred Acronyms

If it is someone you particularly dislike make up an offensive acronym for them:

Eg: T C 1st letter of surname – Where T C stands for That C**t.

Rule 10 – Rude/Famous Surnames

If the surname can be prefixed by a different forename to make the full name sound rude,offensive or famous then the person shall by known by the alternate forename.

Eg: Simon Tickle > Tess; David Head > Dick; James Thatcher > Maggie

Rule 11 – Names to the power of 2

If the person has names that begin with the same letter, (particularly if they have a double barrelled surname beginning with the same letter.) then that person shall be known as that letter “squared”.

Eg: John Findringham-Forsyth – F2 (Pronounced “F-Squared”)

Rule 12 – Contraction and combination

If either of a person’s forename or surname can be contracted and combined with each other to make an amusing word then they shall be known by that amusing word.

Eg: Steve Huffer – Stuffer;

Rule 13 – A Non-exhaustive Selection of Specific Nicknames

  • Thrush – Irritating c**t.
  • Milkshake – nice, but thick.
  • Seagull – throw stones at them to make them fly.
  • Zulu is an hour behind everyone else.
  • Hymen – A complete c**nt.
  • Diesel – No spark.
  • Sledge – always got pulled by Dogs
  • Leatherman – A useless tool that everyone carried.
  • Oggle – Our Glorious Leader
  • Peter – PITA – Pain in the arse

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